In Specific Situations

We recommend that something similar to one of the following be included in the co-parenting agreement.  (Note that Pat and Chris are the parents, and John and Jane are the children.)

Or,

Extra-curricular Activities

Extra-curricular activities often create challenges for separated parents.  Each parent has a different perspective and they are generally less willing to accommodate the interests of the other, than they were when they were a couple.  A parenting coordinator can help ensure that issues related to extra-curricular activities don't accumulate and create a build up of animosity.

Without a parenting coordinator in place, the parent who does not want a child involved in a particular activity has the power and may abuse it.  He/she could avoid discussing the issue until it's too late to register the child.  Or, he/she could undermine the child's attendance at the activity.

WITH a parenting coordinator in place, neither parent can avoid the issue or undermine things.  If one of them refuses to respond to the other parent's emails, voicemails, and requests to discuss and select activities, then the frustrated parent can contact the parenting coordinator.  The avoiding parent is obligated to participate in the process or risk having the parenting coordinator make a decision in his/her absence, AND apportion the charges for the time incurred to him/her, the avoiding parent.

If attendance at activities is inconsistent, and the parents are unable to resolve the issue between themselves, the parenting coordinator can help.  In some situations, there may be legitimate reasons for the inconsistent attendance and the parenting coordinator can help identify solutions.  If the reasons are not legitimate, the parenting coordinator can recommend/impose consequences.  To the extent possible, consequences should be restorative in nature, significant enough to be effective, balanced and neutral, and adequate from the perspective of the other parent.

Example:  The parents agree, or the parenting coordinator decided, that a child will participate in both hockey and dance.  One parent is the primary supporter of the dancing and the other parent is the primary supporter of the hockey.

The Rule:  Both parents will ensure that the child attends all hockey and dance activities while the child is in his/her care.  If there is a conflict between the two activities, hockey/dance will take precedence.

The Consequence:  If the child misses either hockey or dance, the parent whose care the child is in at the time will contribute $100 towards extra power skating lessons or a hockey camp if hockey was missed, or $100 towards private dance lessons if dance was missed.

Often, complete restitution cannot be achieved, but the above consequence is restorative in nature and will be adequate from the perspective of the other parent.  In other words, if one parent used to get frustrated because the child was missing hockey/dance, that parent will probably be ambivalent in the future, because while something was missed, it is more than adequately made up for.  The result is that there isn't the ongoing build up of tension and animosity.  The above consequence is also balanced and neutral, both in wording and in implementation, and it is probably significant enough to effectively ensure that the child rarely misses an activity.  If a parent chooses for some reason to have a child miss an activity, he/she would do so knowing that he/she is going to have to put out $100, but since the $100 is going towards benefiting the child, it's difficult to begrudge the consequence.

Vacation Schedules

Many parenting schedules have a well defined pattern during the school year and a very loosely defined schedule for vacation periods.  Rigidly defining a schedule for the vacation periods is generally not a practical solution.  A parenting coordinator can help ensure that vacation schedules are address in a timely fashion and in a way that doesn't lead to a build up of animosity and tension.

Without a parenting coordinator, a parent may strategically avoid discussing the vacation schedule.  This creates a build up of tension and conflict.

WITH a parenting coordinator, such avoidance will generally not occur, because it will no longer be a potentially successful strategy.  If a parent does choose to avoid the other parent's emails, voicemails, and requests to discuss and determine a schedule, the frustrated parent can rely upon the parenting coordinator for assistance.  The avoiding parent is obligated to participate in the process or risk having the parenting coordinator make a decision in his/her absence, AND apportion the charges for the time incurred to him/her, the avoiding parent.

Sometimes, a parent may be responsive and engage in discussing the schedule, but not genuinely strive to coming up with an agreement.

Again, the parenting coordinator can be contacted and provide assistance by either mediating an agreement, or by specifying a schedule that the parents are obligated to follow.  If it's obvious that one parent was bending over backwards to come up with an agreement and the other was being impossible and completely unreasonable, the parenting coordinator will apportion the costs for the intervention to the parent who created the need.  Generally, this will deter such behaviours and will encourage parents to co-parent appropriately.

In some situations, both parents may have genuinely attempted to come up with a schedule, but they remain at an impasse.

In these situations, it's comforting to know that someone is available to help.  Someone who already knows the family, the history, etc.  Someone whom they trust to compassionately come up with a schedule, either through mediation or by recommendation.  Either way, the issue is resolved and the family can comfortably move forward.

In all of these situations, the parents gradually learn strategies and develop skills that enable them to resolve things without the help of the parenting coordinator.